Secrets and lies part 2

Introduction 

(I had a need to explain the inner turmoil, but you can skip it if you wish)

Since the first spanking she kind of took me in hand and the talks were not the same for a couple of weeks. There was always the looming threat. I wanted to be good, and I was… but I had kind of a barrier in my brain. As if it wasn’t completely working. Like a car in the mud. Wheels working, mud everywhere but it just can’t get unstuck.

Eventually … I just… stopped caring about everything. I guess I was disappointed in myself for failing 2 exams mostly because of absences, and being absent only because of my freaking laziness, but no matter how much I hated myself at times I kept allowing myself to have fun. The fun was tainted by the tasks waiting, but I couldn’t master the motivation to sit and focus. At the same time, I felt like Nat had done so much for me and that she cared in a more thoughtful way than my own mother. I mean, Mom was great, she would hug me a lot and … well allow me anything I wanted… I was a very good girl until my teenage years, didn’t ask for much but with the teens a kind of laziness, brain fog, depression or whatever it was started and it was getting stronger and stronger.

Nat was like a father figure who can be gentle and caring… I mean she was the authority. And she had expectations. And for a short time after that first spanking I was more acutely aware of her expectations and I guess seeing that her “medicine” worked she was more strict in the way I needed it, but as the time went by she was releasing me. What the hell did she think? I matured overnight?! I know all of this is ridiculous, but I truly envied the ones who had a dd relationship, a top who would make them do what’s best for them. It wasn’t that I wanted to mix sex and discipline, I just wanted somebody to care and I figured, I wasn’t giving anything back to Nat. How could I expect her to care?

I didn’t love her in a sexual way (she most certainly didn’t love Me in that way). As the matter of fact, I never loved anyone in a sexual way… I thought I was asexual or otherwise an expert in blocking things out. The thought of spanking aroused me when reading about it but it was more the threat, the taking in charge, the love that aroused me, not the pain. The pain I hated. When it got to the pain the arousal was pretty much over. And with Nat I just wanted her to consider me her kid; I wanted her to adopt me… Maybe I was just thinking in learnt schemas, like either you are a kid and taken care of oooor you are a sexual partner. The world was opening up for me while reading the blogs. And at the same time, I was getting further and further away from the real life and my obligations.

The chores I did, sometimes at the last moment, but I would have felt truly ashamed if I bailed on them. Nat wasn’t asking much of me… I really wasn’t giving her anything… How could I even hope that she would help me with motivation? I had to do it on my own, but this damn blockage in my brain…  How I loaded myself. The overeating and occasional throwing up after it, combined with all of the above, were leaving me with fat and cellulite to which I wasn’t used to (I am 5’ 10’ and was more on the skinny side 126, during most of the high school), guilt and the disgust for myself. 

I started sleeping more and more. Only to wake up minutes before I knew Nat would get home. Sometimes I was so lazy to even get up that I just pretended I just had a ten minutes nap, just before she entered and that I had studied before. She was busy with work and I supposed that she wasn’t noticing anything. And to top it all we didn’t have our time in front of TV at night where I could hug her and at least for a second feel like a little kid, free and loved.

She went back to asking questions about my studies as if it was a routine thing to do and buying whichever answer I offered. When I would admit that that day I hadn’t studied at all she would brush it off because I had been studying hard (yeah, right, I wanted to say, but didn’t). When I admitted for a couple of days in a row she offered help, asked me how she could help and I wanted to tell her, tell me to sit at the dining room table with you so you can watch over me and see if I am actually studying, tell me that I have to learn this and that and you will quiz me … please help me get out of this f*cking hole I am sinking into. I can’t do it myself. I need to do something to regain at least that little shred of self-confidence that I used to have in high school, I need a proof that I am smart, please help me make it or I am just going  to quit

Of course, I didn’t say any of that… If I asked for it then it wouldn’t have been love but... sense of duty or something similar. I never liked that as a cause for action. It was too impersonal. And, to be quite honest I wasn’t sure I would get the help. I’ve heard her say way too many times: “Don’t be a baby” “That is just too childish”

Natalie had it all together: she was hard working, always had the energy, always focused, responsible, standing straight (unlike me), she was just perfect… From her always perfect hair to the ironed work clothes to a perfect body (skinny but muscular, about my height) to success wherever she went… How could she know the feeling of being stuck?  I knew she was tender and sensitive underneath it all but, I knew that she had very strong emotions, but … since she never showed almost any except an occasional, rare … tense or nervous very short lashing out… her sensitiveness stayed a mysterious treasure. Her love was presented in actions… and… when there were no actions I needed, and no gentle words or gestures, God forbid she hugged me first!… I felt like she just didn’t care, like she changed her mind about having a burden in the house.

After these thought and they were almost constant I felt even worse and more helpless, less able to focus on anything but the idiotic self-pity.

***

It was Friday. On Monday I found out that I will definitely fail the two courses out of the 6 taken. And the grades on the six weren’t good at all. Not attending the two classes I spent even more hours in bed. Eating only sweets and watching TV when awake and yes… why hide it… reading the blogs…  (never actually managing to come I was dumb even at that). On Wednesday Nat went on a business trip and was supposed to return on Saturday evening.

Needless to say the apartment was a pigsty. When I’d used up all of the tea spoons and spoons I started using forks to eat ice cream. I hadn’t washed my hair in 4 days. Laundry was piling up. And to think that I was planning a great cleaning of the whole house to surprise Nat. “I’ll do it tomorrow” Or “I’ll start later” were my mantras.

It was 7pm when she called to ask if I was home and if I needed anything from the city. It was like an ice cold shower. I rushed to put the whites in the machine, trying to clear the mess on my way, shoes, jeans, a bag…  and then rushed to do the dishes. I looked at my reflection in the window and realized how disgusting I looked.  The greasy hair tied in a messy ponytail. Half the dishes in the washer I ran up the stairs to the bathroom. I was finishing up the shower, hair washed in a towel made into a turban on my head when I heard her calling my name. I was glad I made it and the rush of finishing “so many” things in such a short time gave me the very wrong sensation that I managed to make the house look acceptable. She was closing the windows and I ran to hug her. She hugged me; more like patted me on the back after being gone for 4 days! That’s all I got. She was tired and she wasn’t happy about the state of the kitchen.

“You could have cleaned this… Did you just turn on the washer when I called?” I hung my head feeling guilty and embarrassed.  

“I am sorry Nat. I was planning to do it all this evening and tomorrow. I even wanted to do a thorough cleaning of you know the whole house..” She entered the living room and stepped on a piece of chips.

“I am sorry… I will vacuum right now… I will do everything around the house for a whole month… Please… I am sorry…”

She wasn’t saying a word. I wanted to hear what I’ve read so many times and have it delivered like she did twice. “You deserve a spanking” and have the slate clean. And have her hug me and comfort me… but.. no… she was too mad to do that.. too disappointed… Oh, I wish I could hear her thoughts….

“It doesn’t  really matter. I’ll go take a shower.” But she started to pick up the empty cookie box from the table, the piece of chips from the floor, and straighten the bed cover. I stood there like an idiot… My heart sinking further and further into the “I don’t care” mode cause I can never do anything right.

I vacuumed while she was taking the shower and cleaned the kitchen a little bit. And went outside to throw the trash out. The excitement was gone. My pace slow. Dragging my feet and deciding that I should give up and go back to Mom’s and just stay in bed forever… I didn’t deserve Nat… I will tell her about the two courses failed and about my decision.. or maybe I could just move out… and still see her at least from time to time. I would die from missing her…

By the time I was back she was in bed with a book. I took care of the whites and put in the colors and sat there in the basement for a while.

Saturday morning wasn’t cheerful. She was distant. It was the worst punishment ever. If she’d yelled if she’d done anything, it would have been so much easier. I was miserable and decided I should punish myself… by leaving…

“Nat, …” she looked up and through me… “I am sorry for everything… I will move out … I failed two courses anyhow..so..”  aaaaaaaaand she was back in the game.

“You did WHAT?” my stomach churned. Her eyes were flashing. Her voice sharp. I was awake too. The “barrier”, the fog in my brain gone, it was completely present and racing. And I was terrified. Didn’t even think about being happy that she cared.

“I-I … I-… “ The muttering! Where did that come from? “I failed… “

“How can you know?” (When I was younger she used to think that I am too strict on myself, perfectionist and so on…so she was trying to find an excuse… that I was only imagining, thinking of the worst.. yeah, I wish…. ) “The finals are not…”she continued at the same time as I whispered “I was absent” not so much willingly under my breath but for the lack of it. She couldn’t quite fathom that “You were WHAT?”  

The table cloth was really beautiful. Like everything Nat chose.

“I wasmssn clses” Half expecting her hand to fly across the table I slouched further down

“Speak up!” man was she angry, she neeeever raised her voice. “You were missing classes!?” She came across the table picked up my chin and pierced me with her beautiful hazel eyes. I tried to hang my head back down but she wouldn’t allow it. The grip was tight. I got the point. I felt smaller by the second. 10 inches… 8… 5 … disappearing… Ready to clasp my hands together and plead, but I sat there motionless, petrified.

“Why?” What could I tell her.. didn’t feel like getting up in the morning… ? Felt like going back to bed in the afternoon…? Or like watching TV shows, a season a day? Hadn’t prepared the exercises we were going to discuss… everything sounded soooo foolish so stupid… Why did it ever make perfect sense to me!?

“Answer me or I’ll slap you, I swear!”

“I am sorry.. I was lazy… I am sorry” the childish whimper was all I could produce her right hand in the air.

“And the other classes… ?”

“Well.. I still have the finals…”

“You mean you could be failing more than two?! The straight As student to a failure?!” She didn’t know what to say. She let go of me and held the table. Was she dizzy? My silence was confirming her fears. “Just… just go to your room”.

I had no idea what was about to happen… I sat there and waited… and the fear was fading.. . I started to block everything out… after about an hour I just fell asleep… I didn’t care… again… it was so easy to go back to that place where you can allow yourself anything and everything and not think about the consequences…

“ANNA!”

“Naaat” I sat up straight, confused, and happy that she showed up, and scared THE BELT! I’ve had it but it was over my pajamas and … she wasn’t this angry… In factr, I haven’t seen her angry in my life! And after all the stories I had read I dreaded the belt even more. I had to go pee… Why is she doubling it… how about.. you know some time for preparation, bracing myself… talking about it…

“You did NOT just fall asleep!” Exasperated with my attitude (though it wasn’t my attitude, I was depressed!  It’s not like I was doing it on purpose.. I couldn’t help it…) She grabbed me by the ear and the left upper arm and there I was, on my belly. Swat swat swatswatswat aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa if felt like a horrible long one and like horrible hundred! Aaaaaaa swatswatswatswatswat…. The tears flowing, legs kicking, gasping for air, don’t know where I am swatswatswatswat! And then she slowed it down but made them harder “how SWAT can you SWAT be SWAt so Swat irresponsible?! SWAT!

“I aaaaaaaaaaaaaam… sorryyyyyyyaaaaaaaaa owww” she wasn’t stopping once she caught the rhythm: bottom the soft part, the sitting spot, thighs she was all over. “I owwwwwwwwwww trieeeee-ed… Naaaaa-aat” Swat swat swaaaaaaat!

“You SWAT tried swat?! What exactly?! To SWAT ruin SWAT your SWAT education?” swat swat … I couldn’t take it anymore… the tears were streaming down my cheeks, I was wiggling, kicking uncontrollably, feeling absolutely miserable and helpless and guilty… when will this end? I can’t take it anymore… it’s too much… the words just escaped my mouth.

“Pleeeeeeeeeese… it’s enough owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww”

“I decide when it is enough” owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww she picked it up with seemingly more force.

“I am oawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Naaaaaaaaat uuuuuuuuuuuuunhhh soo-aaaaaaaa sorry uuuuh I won’t do uuuuuuhw it again… I uhhh aaaaaaaaaow will study…owwwwwwwwwwwwwww Nat stooo oop plee eeese it huuuu..rts ooooooow sooooooo ba-aaad pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee aaaaaaaaaaaawww pleeeeeeeeeeeease!”

“Oh, you WILL study! Believe me! And you will remember this one for the rest of your life! !” SWAT SWAT SWAT the fact that I was in pajamas wasn’t helping. I felt as if my bottom must be bleeding.. it had to be that because the burning pain was unbearable… I tried to slide down the bed cover, but she caught me and landed some fast and hard ones.

“Now, get cleaned and come downstairs”

My reflection in the bathroom mirror was pitiful.  I was ugly and puffy but when I looked at my eyes I hoped she will find a way to let that miserable look into her heart. I took the makeup mirror to check my butt. It was sooo deep …red …worse don’t even know what’s that color…  I couldn’t believe it.. Should I put some cold water on it? But I didn’t want to put anything on it… I wanted to lie on my tummy and cry to my heart’s content. I just felt like letting it cool and yet I had to go back downstairs. I could almost see her sitting at the dining room table.

And, there she was, couple of sheets of paper in front of her. She had put the reading glasses on and looked even more strict! Even though the spanking was over I felt as if I were walking towards a punishment.

 „OK, I think you are well aware of the trouble you’re in. Sit.“

„But Nat....“ she raised her eyebrows and I lowered my sore sore behind on the wooden chair. Almost cried out again. So I tried to pretend that I am sitting, my butt half an inch above the wood. She tilted her head not believing my nerv. Ok... can’t go around it.

„Now that you are seated... , we are going to save you but be sure this will not end with your finals!“ We are going to save you? Save me? She actually thinks I can do something about it all!?? But it’s way too late! I nodded, kept my mouth shut and my eyes on the table cloth.

„First, what are your grades so far?“ How do I tell her?! I can’t lie! Oh, I cannot! But...

„Anna, I’ve lost my patience and if you don’t start cooperating this instant I swear to God I will take the belt and paint your butt red, without the pajamas!“ The shocked petrified pleading look did not have any effect on her. If we were in a cartoon there lightnngs would be coming from her eyes and the sky would roar madly.  I swallowed. I knew I should save the best for last, but I was a coward.

„Well... Capitalism... I ... if I got a B on the finals I would get a B...“

„And if you did the final exam 100/100 and begged for some extra work, earnign some extra credit?“ What is she talking about?! Nobody could do that!!! And it’s what... like 2 weeks to the finals... „Would you have enought points for an A?“ She’s doing it again! I am not brilliant, Nat! I wanted to scream I am not like you!!! I am not .. like YOU!!!  But I just mumbled...

„I guess, but I that’s impossible.. nobody could...“

„OH, you can and you WILL!“  Yeah, and you’re delussional and I am dead! I must have made a face. Her hand landed sharp on my cheek and over my ear. It wasn’t too bad, it was more of an attention getter,  but still it made my ear ring.

„Listen to me, young lady, you will do what I say and if you make that face again you will be sorry“

„I AM sorry...“

„Good. The next grade, can you get an A?“

I knew I had to speed it up...

„Well really the other three courses would be... like... Cs...“

I could feel her whole body stiffen even thought I was looking at her hand holding the pen.

„Cs?“

„Yes...and one even maybe... one ... but I could get a C there tooo“ There was no need to be explicit that I was going to get a D... Silence fell between us. I felt fear raising up, but there was also hope. When I had Nat on my side, maybe I can do something... Maybe I can make it tolerable..

„Kimberly should have spanked you every time you procrastinated. I should have been more involved...But you are an adult... For God’s sake Anna you were supposed to be an adult! What happened to you?!“ Her head was in her hands. That wasn’t what I’d expected...

She got it together and continued with the questions with much less entusiasm. After half an hour she had a plan The impossible plan ...an unachivable one.. I was set to fail in her eyes no matter what..

„You will be studying here where I can see you. Do not even think of pulling any kind of a stunt. I will spank you 5 times a day if I have to! I swear to god I will! Not one toe over the line. Understood?“

„Yes“ that was very clearly understood but how will I do it all... there is no time.. and my brain is so slow... it’s just impossible...

„What are you waiting for? Get your books here already!“   

When I look back to this moment I realize that fearing her punishment instead of beating myself up for all the failures had its releasing effects. It was actually helping me think more clearly. And knowing that she cared about me made me feel worthy, gave me motivation and strength.