Secrets and lies part 1

Natalie hates laziness and I am a prime example of being lazy. If it were up to me I would spend days and nights watching shows or reading novels.  I don’t like exercise. I went to aerobic practice with her, because she insisted it was good for me, and I really wanted to please her, but after a while I just couldn’t practice any more. It was boring and hard. I looked at her, almost full 20 years older than me jumping up and down, doing all the difficult exercises. She let me off the hook couple of times. But, then, I knew she would start expecting me to be fitter and be able to go through the whole practice without stopping. The first time I made up an excuse I said I was going to tutor a freshman on colonialism. She bought it. The next time my friend Linda had just come back from a long trip and wanted me to come over. She swallowed that one as well. Then I had my period. That was true. After couple of days I called her from university saying I had some extra reading to do. She approved of studying though she noticed that I had been inside the whole day and that a little air might help me think better.

I was feeling lazy and even though I really planned on staying in the library and doing some reading for an essay I figured… Some air would really be good. So I started walking home… air would be good but a movie with ice cream would be perfect.

I saw the lights were off, so Nat must have left already. Her car was gone.
The joy overwhelmed me. I felt free to be me. Lazy… when I realized that I was happy for allowing myself to be lazy I wasn’t happy anymore. I needed that ice-cream to forget how despicable I was.

I didn’t care much about the movie. I overate and was thinking that I should actually throw up. I didn’t think I was bulimic, because it wasn’t an everyday thing, but still I didn’t want anyone to know. Vomiting is disgusting. And plus I felt sleepy and I couldn’t go to sleep with my stomach fool. I’d get fat… My mood was becoming progressively worse and I was sorry for not going to the practice. The phone rang. Natalie! But the practice wasn’t supposed to have ended!

I sat straight. She knows when I talk to her lying down.

“Hey, kiddow, how’s the studying?” She sounded cheerful.

“Well.. not so well… I decided to go home actually.. I just… couldn’t focus” She paused. But the wonderful being that she is she decided to believe me and probably thought that maybe I needed to relax.

“Oh. Ok. I am here with Sandra. We were going for a light dinner so I thought maybe you’d like to join us”.  Oh, I would have been so tempted hadn’t I stuffed my face with ice cream. And plus, I missed relaxing time with Natalie. And Sandra is so funny and cheerful… but I am so not in the mood… aaagrhh… what to do.
“I’m coming. Wher’re you at?” I went to the bathroom. A quick ritual, washing the hands, fingers up my throat, ice cream out, brush the teeth, mouth rinse, drink a bit of it, eat a piece of bread,  mints ready, get dressed and I was out in 15 minutes.” By the time I sat down besides my Godmother I had swallowed like 15 mints and was pretty much sick. She was telling Sandra how I am working real hard at the university and how I am tired.

“Yeah, you look kind of pale.” said Sandra looking at me inquisitively. Damn, I thought to myself, hope I haven’t left any traces… My eyes are kind of red from the burst capillaries sometimes… shit… didn’t even check that. As if she were listening to my thoughts she turned to Nat: “her eyes seem … red, don’t they?” I reacted quickly.

“Yeah? They do feel strange. I’ll go check it out”… As I was trying to get up, Nat looked at me as if she were worried or suspecting something.

“Are you ok kid?”

“Yeah” I brushed it off. “I’ll just wash my face. Get me a… Ceaser salad, k?”

When I came back, everything ended with Nat’s: “K?”

“Yep” I smiled and hugged her. She patted me on the head and they continued talking about work.

*****

When we came home she noticed that Love actually was on it 65^th minute and commented that I had been enjoying my evening. I chose to mumble a “yes”.

****

It was Tuesday. I knew I had to go to the practice, no excuses.

Once there I was in a bored mood. Slow to get ready, dragging my feet. I knew she hated it but I just couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to be there.

“You could try not to spread the negativity, you know” She was already annoyed.

“I just don’t see the point in this”.

“You don’t see the point?” Shit, eyebrows were up and the stare telling more than I’d like to. I have to think of something.
“Well … I know you like it… and I know it’s good for me… but…”. The trainer put the music on and the mental torture began. I kept saying to myself: “Come on. Just a little bit more. Aaa… it’s boring.. no, it’s useful… come on.. try at least. Ah… I can’t. I stopped untying and tying my sneakers. Drinking water.

She half whispered: “Stop it!” I rolled my eyes… big mistake. I saw the anger rising to a bursting point in a second. If we were alone I swear she would have slapped me across my face. “Do NOT ROLL the eyes at me!” I was already sorry but I also felt humiliating. I was there because of her, I thought and obviously “made a face”. She continued exercising and so did I. I decided I’d tell her I’m quitting.

We didn’t say a word to each other in the car.

When we were both showered and she was heading for her bedroom I spoke.

“Nat, look. I am sorry for you know.. the practice.. it’s just .. for me it is stupid… I just feel tired and… I feel like eating even more when I practice… and it’s difficult… and I can’t wait it to stop…”

“Anna, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. You should have just said so.”

“I know… You were so glad when we started it together.. and it was fun because we were together.. but after a while it just became boring…”

“It’s your choice.” She was cold and distant. I hated it. I felt like taking it all back. I felt like saying, you’re right – I’ll go. I would do anything at that moment to have her smile and hug me.

And then it clicked in my head: wait a minute, she thinks you have to exercise to be healthy, how come she’s letting me go like that, doesn’t she care about me?!

She was already at her bedroom door when I heard myself saying: “Linda’s coming back from Switzerland tomorrow so I’ll go stay with her during the weekend to catch up.”

The moment she turned on her heels with a piercing look I knew I was doomed.

“And when did she go to Switzerland?” I hesitated. Should not have hesitated. My mind was racing. The fact that she’s coming back, doesn’t necessarily mean that she couldn’t have come back ten days ago. The hesitation, the fear in my eyes gave me away. I looked down. Should not have looked down.

“You lied to me?” she was angry. I was sooo scared. Couple of months ago, I wouldn’t have been. Before that first spanking I would have tried to be cute and I would have tried to explain. But now it was different. It was as if some barrier broke back then and even though I felt we were closer and I felt her caring more deeply (or just showing it by making me do the things I should do but couldn’t push myself to do).

“I am sorry” I half whispered feeling like a 4 year old.

The silence filled the room. I was too afraid to look up. She was approaching. I dreaded a slap on the face. I almost closed my eyes getting ready for it. She took my chin and made me look at her. I felt so helpless and so sad that I made her angry. I bleated “I am sorry, Nat”.

“The tutoring?” her voice was ice cold and my attempt to lower my head was prevented. The grip on my chin tighter. “Last week’s studying?” a small voice inside my head told me to try and save at least that one… but I could barely breathe.

“Get into your pajamas”. She turned away and hurried angrily towards her bedroom.

I was sitting on my bed when she came in with a wooden cooking spoon.

I gasped. “Nat, please! I will exercise! I will never lie to you again! Please, there is no need” but she was arranging the pillows as if she were deaf. “Nat, pleeeeeeese!” the childish shrieking didn’t help

“Stop it! Lie over the pillows” I wanted to say that it was just way humiliating and that I am not doing it. I have my dignity. I will not do it. Not even for you. I love you but I will not be humiliated. I stood up. I felt the courage building up inside me. I dared look into her eyes and booom courage disappeared. I started backing towards the closet.

“Nat,.. come on.. I am … big…I am not a kid…”

“If you were a kid you would have been over my knees already. Lie over here, don’t waste my time. I have better things to do.” Ok, now I was angry. She doesn’t get to be that cold and spank me! It’s either loving and caring or … or nothing.

“NO!” I crossed my arms and gave her the most defiant look I could master.
What she pulled after that was beyond me. She grabbed my ear and pulled me toward the bed. When gravity started working her bended leg was on the bed and I was bent over her leg, her arm around my waist keeping me still. Smack smack smack smack smack five or six smacks landed so rapidly on my bottom that I didn’t have the time to gasp after each of them but produced a strange sob like noise. It burnt even through the pajamas. I made her really angry. Smack smack smack smack… the right cheek was throbbing burning painful… she hit almost the same spot every time.

“Naa-aaat plea---a---a pleeeeaaaaaaaa- pleeese… dooo—aa- don’t!” smack smack smack..

“Lie where I told to” she released me.

“Please!!!!!!! I will do whatever you say!”

“I said: lie over the pillows”

I obeyed though I thought I will not be able to stand any more spanking…

Smack smack smack And I thought those were hard! Smack smack “PLeeee—se aaaaa.. it hurts..aaaaaaaaa…” my bottom was on fire… I couldn’t stand it anymore…

I tried sliding off the pillows and ended up on the floor by the bed kneeling, still half bent over the bed edge.

“Sit” she showed the bed. I sat slowly and still gasped out in pain.

“Silence” and with that she pushed my shoulder back down because I tried getting up.

“I am sorry. I will never lie to you again”  I sniffled and sobbed…

“I hope so.” I thought I heard a bit of pity in her voice, a bit of love.. maybe. I looked up but even through my tears I could hardly see anything gentle in her expression.

Later I will find out that she was stopping herself from reaching out to hug me.