Introduction
(I had a need to explain the inner turmoil, but you can skip it if you wish)
Since the
first spanking she kind of took me in hand and the talks were not the same for
a couple of weeks. There was always the looming threat. I wanted to be good, and
I was… but I had kind of a barrier in my brain. As if it wasn’t completely
working. Like a car in the mud. Wheels working, mud everywhere but it just can’t
get unstuck.
Eventually …
I just… stopped caring about everything. I guess I was disappointed in myself
for failing 2 exams mostly because of absences, and being absent only because
of my freaking laziness, but no matter how much I hated myself at times I kept
allowing myself to have fun. The fun was tainted by the tasks waiting, but I
couldn’t master the motivation to sit and focus. At the same time, I felt like
Nat had done so much for me and that she cared in a more thoughtful way than my
own mother. I mean, Mom was great, she would hug me a lot and … well allow me
anything I wanted… I was a very good girl until my teenage years, didn’t ask
for much but with the teens a kind of laziness, brain fog, depression or
whatever it was started and it was getting stronger and stronger.
Nat was
like a father figure who can be gentle and caring… I mean she was the
authority. And she had expectations. And for a short time after that first
spanking I was more acutely aware of her expectations and I guess seeing that
her “medicine” worked she was more strict in the way I needed it, but as the
time went by she was releasing me. What the hell did she think? I matured
overnight?! I know all of this is ridiculous, but I truly envied the ones who
had a dd relationship, a top who would make them do what’s best for them. It
wasn’t that I wanted to mix sex and discipline, I just wanted somebody to care
and I figured, I wasn’t giving anything back to Nat. How could I expect her to
care?
I didn’t
love her in a sexual way (she most certainly didn’t love Me in that way). As
the matter of fact, I never loved anyone in a sexual way… I thought I was
asexual or otherwise an expert in blocking things out. The thought of spanking aroused
me when reading about it but it was more the threat, the taking in charge, the
love that aroused me, not the pain. The pain I hated. When it got to the pain
the arousal was pretty much over. And with Nat I just wanted her to consider me
her kid; I wanted her to adopt me… Maybe I was just thinking in learnt schemas,
like either you are a kid and taken care of oooor you are a sexual partner. The
world was opening up for me while reading the blogs. And at the same time, I
was getting further and further away from the real life and my obligations.
The chores
I did, sometimes at the last moment, but I would have felt truly ashamed if I
bailed on them. Nat wasn’t asking much of me… I really wasn’t giving her
anything… How could I even hope that she would help me with motivation? I had
to do it on my own, but this damn blockage in my brain… How I loaded myself. The overeating and
occasional throwing up after it, combined with all of the above, were leaving
me with fat and cellulite to which I wasn’t used to (I am 5’ 10’ and was more
on the skinny side 126, during most of the high school), guilt and the disgust
for myself.
I started sleeping
more and more. Only to wake up minutes before I knew Nat would get home.
Sometimes I was so lazy to even get up that I just pretended I just had a ten
minutes nap, just before she entered and that I had studied before. She was
busy with work and I supposed that she wasn’t noticing anything. And to top it
all we didn’t have our time in front of TV at night where I could hug her and
at least for a second feel like a little kid, free and loved.
She went
back to asking questions about my studies as if it was a routine thing to do
and buying whichever answer I offered. When I would admit that that day I
hadn’t studied at all she would brush it off because I had been studying hard
(yeah, right, I wanted to say, but didn’t). When I admitted for a couple of
days in a row she offered help, asked me how she could help and I wanted to tell
her, tell me to sit at the dining room table with you so you can watch over me
and see if I am actually studying, tell me that I have to learn this and that
and you will quiz me … please help me get out of this f*cking hole I am sinking
into. I can’t do it myself. I need to do something to regain at least that
little shred of self-confidence that I used to have in high school, I need a proof
that I am smart, please help me make it or I am just going to quit
Of course,
I didn’t say any of that… If I asked for it then it wouldn’t have been love
but... sense of duty or something similar. I never liked that as a cause for
action. It was too impersonal. And, to be quite honest I wasn’t sure I would
get the help. I’ve heard her say way too many times: “Don’t be a baby” “That is
just too childish”
Natalie had
it all together: she was hard working, always had the energy, always focused,
responsible, standing straight (unlike me), she was just perfect… From her
always perfect hair to the ironed work clothes to a perfect body (skinny but
muscular, about my height) to success wherever she went… How could she know the
feeling of being stuck? I knew she was
tender and sensitive underneath it all but, I knew that she had very strong
emotions, but … since she never showed almost any except an occasional, rare …
tense or nervous very short lashing out… her sensitiveness stayed a mysterious
treasure. Her love was presented in actions… and… when there were no actions I
needed, and no gentle words or gestures, God forbid she hugged me first!… I
felt like she just didn’t care, like she changed her mind about having a burden
in the house.
After these
thought and they were almost constant I felt even worse and more helpless, less
able to focus on anything but the idiotic self-pity.
***
It was
Friday. On Monday I found out that I will definitely fail the two courses out
of the 6 taken. And the grades on the six weren’t good at all. Not attending the
two classes I spent even more hours in bed. Eating only sweets and watching TV
when awake and yes… why hide it… reading the blogs… (never actually managing to come I was dumb
even at that). On Wednesday Nat went on a business trip and was supposed to
return on Saturday evening.
Needless to
say the apartment was a pigsty. When I’d used up all of the tea spoons and
spoons I started using forks to eat ice cream. I hadn’t washed my hair in 4
days. Laundry was piling up. And to think that I was planning a great cleaning
of the whole house to surprise Nat. “I’ll do it tomorrow” Or “I’ll start later”
were my mantras.
It was 7pm
when she called to ask if I was home and if I needed anything from the city. It
was like an ice cold shower. I rushed to put the whites in the machine, trying
to clear the mess on my way, shoes, jeans, a bag… and then rushed to do the dishes. I looked at
my reflection in the window and realized how disgusting I looked. The greasy hair tied in a messy ponytail. Half
the dishes in the washer I ran up the stairs to the bathroom. I was finishing
up the shower, hair washed in a towel made into a turban on my head when I
heard her calling my name. I was glad I made it and the rush of finishing “so
many” things in such a short time gave me the very wrong sensation that I managed
to make the house look acceptable. She was closing the windows and I ran to hug
her. She hugged me; more like patted me on the back after being gone for 4
days! That’s all I got. She was tired and she wasn’t happy about the state of
the kitchen.
“You could
have cleaned this… Did you just turn on the washer when I called?” I hung my
head feeling guilty and embarrassed.
“I am sorry
Nat. I was planning to do it all this evening and tomorrow. I even wanted to do
a thorough cleaning of you know the whole house..” She entered the living room
and stepped on a piece of chips.
“I am
sorry… I will vacuum right now… I will do everything around the house for a
whole month… Please… I am sorry…”
She wasn’t
saying a word. I wanted to hear what I’ve read so many times and have it delivered
like she did twice. “You deserve a spanking” and have the slate clean. And have
her hug me and comfort me… but.. no… she was too mad to do that.. too
disappointed… Oh, I wish I could hear her thoughts….
“It doesn’t
really matter. I’ll go take a shower.”
But she started to pick up the empty cookie box from the table, the piece of chips
from the floor, and straighten the bed cover. I stood there like an idiot… My
heart sinking further and further into the “I don’t care” mode cause I can
never do anything right.
I vacuumed
while she was taking the shower and cleaned the kitchen a little bit. And went
outside to throw the trash out. The excitement was gone. My pace slow. Dragging
my feet and deciding that I should give up and go back to Mom’s and just stay
in bed forever… I didn’t deserve Nat… I will tell her about the two courses
failed and about my decision.. or maybe I could just move out… and still see
her at least from time to time. I would die from missing her…
By the time
I was back she was in bed with a book. I took care of the whites and put in the
colors and sat there in the basement for a while.
Saturday
morning wasn’t cheerful. She was distant. It was the worst punishment ever. If
she’d yelled if she’d done anything, it would have been so much easier. I was
miserable and decided I should punish myself… by leaving…
“Nat, …”
she looked up and through me… “I am sorry for everything… I will move out … I
failed two courses anyhow..so..”
aaaaaaaaand she was back in the game.
“You did
WHAT?” my stomach churned. Her eyes were flashing. Her voice sharp. I was awake
too. The “barrier”, the fog in my brain gone, it was completely present and
racing. And I was terrified. Didn’t even think about being happy that she
cared.
“I-I … I-…
“ The muttering! Where did that come from? “I failed… “
“How can
you know?” (When I was younger she used to think that I am too strict on
myself, perfectionist and so on…so she was trying to find an excuse… that I was
only imagining, thinking of the worst.. yeah, I wish…. ) “The finals are not…”she
continued at the same time as I whispered “I was absent” not so much willingly under
my breath but for the lack of it. She couldn’t quite fathom that “You were
WHAT?”
The table
cloth was really beautiful. Like everything Nat chose.
“I wasmssn
clses” Half expecting her hand to fly across the table I slouched further down
“Speak up!”
man was she angry, she neeeever raised her voice. “You were missing classes!?”
She came across the table picked up my chin and pierced me with her beautiful hazel
eyes. I tried to hang my head back down but she wouldn’t allow it. The grip was
tight. I got the point. I felt smaller by the second. 10 inches… 8… 5 … disappearing…
Ready to clasp my hands together and plead, but I sat there motionless,
petrified.
“Why?” What
could I tell her.. didn’t feel like getting up in the morning… ? Felt like
going back to bed in the afternoon…? Or like watching TV shows, a season a day?
Hadn’t prepared the exercises we were going to discuss… everything sounded
soooo foolish so stupid… Why did it ever make perfect sense to me!?
“Answer me
or I’ll slap you, I swear!”
“I am
sorry.. I was lazy… I am sorry” the childish whimper was all I could produce
her right hand in the air.
“And the
other classes… ?”
“Well.. I
still have the finals…”
“You mean
you could be failing more than two?! The straight As student to a failure?!”
She didn’t know what to say. She let go of me and held the table. Was she
dizzy? My silence was confirming her fears. “Just… just go to your room”.
I had no
idea what was about to happen… I sat there and waited… and the fear was fading..
. I started to block everything out… after about an hour I just fell asleep… I
didn’t care… again… it was so easy to go back to that place where you can allow
yourself anything and everything and not think about the consequences…
“ANNA!”
“Naaat” I
sat up straight, confused, and happy that she showed up, and scared THE BELT!
I’ve had it but it was over my pajamas and … she wasn’t this angry… In factr, I
haven’t seen her angry in my life! And after all the stories I had read I
dreaded the belt even more. I had to go pee… Why is she doubling it… how about..
you know some time for preparation, bracing myself… talking about it…
“You did
NOT just fall asleep!” Exasperated with my attitude (though it wasn’t my
attitude, I was depressed! It’s not like
I was doing it on purpose.. I couldn’t help it…) She grabbed me by the ear and
the left upper arm and there I was, on my belly. Swat swat swatswatswat
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa if felt like a horrible long one and like horrible
hundred! Aaaaaaa swatswatswatswatswat…. The tears flowing, legs kicking,
gasping for air, don’t know where I am swatswatswatswat! And then she slowed it
down but made them harder “how SWAT can you SWAT be SWAt so Swat
irresponsible?! SWAT!
“I
aaaaaaaaaaaaaam… sorryyyyyyyaaaaaaaaa owww” she wasn’t stopping once she caught
the rhythm: bottom the soft part, the sitting spot, thighs she was all over. “I
owwwwwwwwwww trieeeee-ed… Naaaaa-aat” Swat swat swaaaaaaat!
“You SWAT
tried swat?! What exactly?! To SWAT ruin SWAT your SWAT education?” swat swat …
I couldn’t take it anymore… the tears were streaming down my cheeks, I was wiggling,
kicking uncontrollably, feeling absolutely miserable and helpless and guilty… when
will this end? I can’t take it anymore… it’s too much… the words just escaped
my mouth.
“Pleeeeeeeeeese…
it’s enough owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww”
“I decide
when it is enough” owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww she picked it up with seemingly more
force.
“I am
oawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Naaaaaaaaat uuuuuuuuuuuuunhhh soo-aaaaaaaa sorry uuuuh I
won’t do uuuuuuhw it again… I uhhh aaaaaaaaaow will study…owwwwwwwwwwwwwww Nat
stooo oop plee eeese it huuuu..rts ooooooow sooooooo ba-aaad pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
aaaaaaaaaaaawww pleeeeeeeeeeeease!”
“Oh, you
WILL study! Believe me! And you will remember this one for the rest of your
life! !” SWAT SWAT SWAT the fact that I was in pajamas wasn’t helping. I felt
as if my bottom must be bleeding.. it had to be that because the burning pain
was unbearable… I tried to slide down the bed cover, but she caught me and
landed some fast and hard ones.
“Now, get
cleaned and come downstairs”
My reflection
in the bathroom mirror was pitiful. I
was ugly and puffy but when I looked at my eyes I hoped she will find a way to
let that miserable look into her heart. I took the makeup mirror to check my
butt. It was sooo deep …red …worse don’t even know what’s that color… I couldn’t believe it.. Should I put some
cold water on it? But I didn’t want to put anything on it… I wanted to lie on
my tummy and cry to my heart’s content. I just felt like letting it cool and
yet I had to go back downstairs. I could almost see her sitting at the dining
room table.
And, there
she was, couple of sheets of paper in front of her. She had put the reading
glasses on and looked even more strict! Even though the spanking was over I
felt as if I were walking towards a punishment.
„OK, I think you are well aware of the trouble you’re in. Sit.“
„But
Nat....“ she raised her eyebrows and I lowered my sore sore behind on the wooden
chair. Almost cried out again. So I tried to pretend that I am sitting, my butt
half an inch above the wood. She tilted her head not believing my nerv. Ok... can’t
go around it.
„Now
that you are seated... , we are going to save you but be sure this will not end
with your finals!“ We are going to save you? Save me? She actually thinks I can
do something about it all!?? But it’s way too late! I nodded, kept my mouth
shut and my eyes on the table cloth.
„First,
what are your grades so far?“ How do I tell her?! I can’t lie! Oh, I cannot!
But...
„Anna,
I’ve lost my patience and if you don’t start cooperating this instant I swear
to God I will take the belt and paint your butt red, without the pajamas!“ The
shocked petrified pleading look did not have any effect on her. If we were in a
cartoon there lightnngs would be coming from her eyes and the sky would roar
madly. I swallowed. I knew I should save
the best for last, but I was a coward.
„Well...
Capitalism... I ... if I got a B on the finals I would get a B...“
„And
if you did the final exam 100/100 and begged for some extra work, earnign some
extra credit?“ What is she talking about?! Nobody could do that!!! And it’s
what... like 2 weeks to the finals... „Would you have enought points for an A?“
She’s doing it again! I am not brilliant, Nat! I wanted to scream I am not like
you!!! I am not .. like YOU!!! But I just
mumbled...
„I
guess, but I that’s impossible.. nobody could...“
„OH,
you can and you WILL!“ Yeah, and you’re
delussional and I am dead! I must have made a face. Her hand landed sharp on my
cheek and over my ear. It wasn’t too bad, it was more of an attention
getter, but still it made my ear ring.
„Listen
to me, young lady, you will do what I say and if you make that face again you
will be sorry“
„I
AM sorry...“
„Good.
The next grade, can you get an A?“
I
knew I had to speed it up...
„Well
really the other three courses would be... like... Cs...“
I
could feel her whole body stiffen even thought I was looking at her hand
holding the pen.
„Cs?“
„Yes...and
one even maybe... one ... but I could get a C there tooo“ There was no need to
be explicit that I was going to get a D... Silence fell between us. I felt fear
raising up, but there was also hope. When I had Nat on my side, maybe I can do
something... Maybe I can make it tolerable..
„Kimberly
should have spanked you every time you procrastinated. I should have been more
involved...But you are an adult... For God’s sake Anna you were supposed to be
an adult! What happened to you?!“ Her head was in her hands. That wasn’t what I’d
expected...
She
got it together and continued with the questions with much less entusiasm.
After half an hour she had a plan The impossible plan ...an unachivable one.. I
was set to fail in her eyes no matter what..
„You
will be studying here where I can see you. Do not even think of pulling any
kind of a stunt. I will spank you 5 times a day if I have to! I swear to god I
will! Not one toe over the line. Understood?“
„Yes“
that was very clearly understood but how will I do it all... there is no time..
and my brain is so slow... it’s just impossible...
„What
are you waiting for? Get your books here already!“
When I look
back to this moment I realize that fearing her punishment instead of beating
myself up for all the failures had its releasing effects. It was actually
helping me think more clearly. And knowing that she cared about me made me feel
worthy, gave me motivation and strength.
